The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most
by almost-never
Summary: [AU] "She used to be so beautiful...now, all I see is a stupid, little girl who knows nothing about anything, who wears clothes much too old for her." At Ashley's funeral, Craig discovers more about himself and Manny than he ever thought he would.


**Disclaimer**: I'm broke. I don't own. I just watch, write and read. Dashboard Confessional is also not mine.

**A/N**: I should warn you; this one's an **Alternate Universe**. Please do not be offended with how I portrayed the characters (especially if you're a Manny fan). This is just fan fiction, people!

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"_Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself  
And covered with a perfect shell  
Such a charming, beautiful exterior  
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes  
Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by  
But you're barely scraping by..." – Dashboard Confessional_

**The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most**

I am trapped in a wave of black. Black, navy blue, and dark shades of grey. Some are covering their faces with their hands, others are sobbing openly.

There was a tear in my heart. A fresh, gaping wound. It wasn't like this when Dad died. No, this is so different. I've tried to cry for her. I did. But I can't. My grief is beyond tears.

I glance around, attempting valiantly to ignore the pain in my chest. Paige, Hazel, and Terri are weeping in each other's arms. Ellie is standing with Marco, her face paler than usual and stony.

Her parents glare at each other. Her step-father bites his lip. Toby stares at the ground, shuffling his feet. They ignore the sympathetic murmurs around them

"Craig..." A soft whisper accompanied with a vice-like grip on my arm makes my head snap towards the speaker.

Manny, her face red with cold, smiles too widely for it to be genuine. She is wearing a black jacket and short black skirt, despite the weather. I lean away from her as she tries to kiss my cheek.

She hugs my arm to her chest. _Stop it_, I want to scream. _We're at Ashley Kerwin's funeral. Ashley Kerwin, if that means anything to you. The last thing we should be doing is making ANY contact with each other. _But I don't. I stare straight ahead, ignoring the titters from Paige and her cronies.

"This is _so_ sad," Manny gushes dramatically. I can no longer feel my arm. "I've _never_ been to a funeral before. Wow. It's, like, sad. _Really sad_."

No kidding. Shut up Manny, _please._

They said it was suicide. Spin told me that Toby found her on her bedroom floor, her wrists bleeding profusely. They couldn't save her. You can't save someone who wants to die.

How could she just leave behind everything important to her? Everyone who cared about her? Paige, Hazel, Terri, Ellie, Jimmy..._me_.

I still love her. The fling with Manny...it's so hard to explain. I don't even understand it myself. There may have been a time when I loved her, but I can't imagine loving her now.

And when Manny got pregnant, I tried to forget about Ashley altogether. Manny and the baby would be _mine_. Someone for me to love. Then Manny screwed up my picture-perfect family. She ripped it apart to shreds. She said she wasn't ready. _Damn you, Manny_. I wasn't ready either but I still wanted him...or her. _Damn you_.

How did we even get back together? I can't remember. The last few months have been...blurry. All I know is that when Ashley slapped me on the face last Christmas, a small part of me died. When we made up after the Battle of the Bands, I was still dead. I was so gone that I had reached the point of no-revival.

I was stupid. I was naïve. I am empty. I'm a fucking selfish bastard.

I miss Ash already. I know I didn't deserve her. She didn't deserve me. I was an asshole.

_I miss you, Ash_.

The casket is being lowered into the ground. We are letting go. _Let go, Manning_. _Just let go._

But I can't. I glance down at Manny, who's still clutching my arm. She's gazing at the casket, her eyes following it as it disappears from view. Her face is blank. She doesn't cry.

The ceremony is over, I notice. People are walking around, most of them trying to find the Kerwins and Isaacs to say they're sorry. People are so _stupid_.

Ellie walks by, her eyes more ringed in black than usual. The eyeliner makes her eyes seem oddly...accentuated. Even though she has already walked past me, her head is turned to face me. Her eyes bore into me, full of sorrow, anger, and hate. Her head moves a fraction of an inch both ways to make an almost-imperceptible head shake. Her eyes rove over Manny, who turns away, her bare knees knocking together.

Ellie's face turns back to me, her mouth curled up in a smirk.

"You destroyed her for this _slut_?"

_I didn't destroy her_, I want to shout. But I can't move my mouth. I can't move my mouth because I know it's true. I killed her. I killed her trust in anything, I killed her pride, and I killed her soul. _I killed her_.

I try to confess this to Ellie, but she has gone towards Sean, who puts his arm around her shoulder and leads her away. Ash and I were like them at some point of our sorry lives. Only their love must be stronger. They're still together. I know Sean wouldn't trade Ellie for the _world_.

"_You destroyed her for this slut_?" She mimics, laughing. I want to hit her. I want to fucking hit her, I _swear_.

"Pssh." Manny snorts dismissively. "What a _freak_. I mean, people like her should be locked up or something!" She laughs again, but her giggles die away when I don't join her.

_You know nothing of 'freak_'.

She squeezes my arm even tighter. I pry apart her fingers and turn to face her.

"I'm letting go, Manny."

Her brow furrows. "What?"

I shrug, the sharp pain in my heart more pronounced than ever. _Goodbye, Manny_. _Goodbye, Ash_.

She looks at the spot where Ashley was buried, then back at me. I see dawning comprehension in her eyes.

"Craig..."

I shake my head slowly.

"Craig, no. You _can't_ be serious. Please don't leave me..." Her voice trails off.

She used to be so beautiful to me. What happened? Now, all I see is a stupid, little girl who knows nothing about anything, who wears clothes much too old for her.

She is broken. I know. She isn't who she wants to be. _I'm letting you go, Manny. You can be who you want to be._

"I love you," She whimpers, her eyes full of tears.

_You know nothing about love, Manuela_.

"You shouldn't love me. You _can't_ love me. _You know nothing about love_."

Her eyes narrow, her mouth twisting into a sneer. "I know enough about love to say that I love you. But you're just a liar. You've been living a lie with me. So if you want to choose some dead prude over me, _be my guest_. _Be my fucking guest and live a sorry life of loneliness." _

A chuckle escapes my lips. She looks at me, surprised and angry.

I shake my head. "Oh, Manuela. You're the sorriest, most loneliest liar of a person I know."

She stares, disbelieving. "When did I become _Manuela_? What _happened_ to you?!"

I turn away. _What happened to **you**?_

And with one last look at the small mound of earth, over which Ashley Kerwin's body lies, I walk away.

_I'm letting go_.

**The End**

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